I didn’t know him well. Perhaps that in itself is part of the problem.

Life is busy with so many distractions we often don’t really get to know those with whom we interact regularly. We fail to ask about their story, their history, their dreams, and their struggles. We don’t offer to help them fight their demons, because we don’t realize they have any.

Perhaps because we don’t ask pointed questions or make an effort to dig deep into their lives, they don’t feel they can share their struggles with us. When the demons are surrounding them and they can’t fight any longer, they don’t feel like they can call out for help. Of course, we would help them if we knew, right? But they don’t know that, at least not with enough certainty they feel they can depend on it.

A coworker of mine committed suicide this past week. I didn’t know him well, but from the interactions I had with him and those I have talked to who knew him much better, his action was a complete and utter shock.

After I first heard the news and the initial disbelief began to fade, the question that came to mind was, “Had I known he was to the point in his life where he could not bear living another moment, what would I have said to him?”

Hollow encouragements like, “It’s going to get better.”

Guilt trips like, “What about your family?”

Or would I have tried to enter the arena in which he was losing his battle with his demons? Would I have been willing to fight his hardest battles with him? Perhaps I could have offered to stay with him or him with me? Could I have offered to go to counseling with him? Would I have been willing to burden the emotional cost of wading into the darkness that was clearly consuming him?

Even if I were willing to enter in, would he have let me? Did I know him well enough for him to have felt comfortable? Had I developed enough rapport and trust for him to have allowed me in? Would he have had any hope at all that I could actually help?

With crushing sadness, I think not.

In all the years I’d known him, I had not done those things required to develop that rapport and trust. Of course, the possibility exists that even if I had, it may not have been enough. But wow, I sure wish I would have had the opportunity.

This tragic event leaves me with two deep emotions: guilt and determination.

I, like so many of his friends, family, and coworkers, am feeling deep guilt right now. How could we not have seen it? Is there something we could have done? Why wasn’t I a better friend? Guilt is part of the grieving process and we will all have to work through it. Certainly those closest to him will have the most difficult time. As C.S. Lewis said in A Grief Observed:

“The death of a beloved is an amputation.”

One of the hardest parts to deal with is the weight of the “Why?” C.S. Lewis also says in A Grief Observed:

“We cannot understand. The best is perhaps what we understand least.”

That being said, guilt and grieving are not necessarily bad. Fruit can come from the process.

“It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, because that is the end of every man, and the living takes it to heart.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2)

Here is my encouragement to myself and those reading this who have lost loved ones or friends to suicide: may the tragedy embolden a determination within us.

Let us be determined to embrace life to the fullest, and in so doing, fully embrace the lives of those around us. Let us dig deep in our relationships. Past the superficial, past the laughs, and beyond the good times. Let us delve beyond the small talk and social outings. Let’s get to know our people. I mean really know them. Get to know them on a level where the connection is strong and the trust runs deep. So, that when the demons come, it is to each other that we will turn for help, knowing that we are both fully willing and prepared to enter into the fight.

“And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

Jesus loved my coworker just as He loves me and everyone reading this. He commands us to love one another in the same sacrificial way.

My hope rests in the idea that if we actually loved each other in this way, the world in which we live would be brighter and better for all of us, making suicide an unthinkable thought.